the bad things done

I have done some totallystupidthings in my 1/3 of a time on this mortal coil. Poor judgment. Knowingly bad. Selfish. Reckless. Naive.

Like many of us, I also tend to say, "I have no regrets."

This is, in fact, a lie.

I have regrets. Maybe a lot, even. When I say these words, what I mean is, "I would never change things because that means I wouldn't be the lucky son-of-a that I am today." Because when I think of regrets, I tend to revert to my formative understanding of consequences, which is really based on a repetitious viewing of "Back to the Future." Like if I changed something, someone I love would end up in a photograph with hid or her head missing. I would never change things because then everything would be different and nothing would be the way it is today. It is...amazing how uninformed my understanding of cause and effect is.

But honestly, there are things I have done that I would change. I've hurt people I love, most desperately and dearly. I have put myself first when I should have been protecting the interests of tender others. Sure, there may have been lessons attached to these incidents that somehow inform who I am as a person. But really, I would sacrifice that self-awareness for some of these choices. Not everything is worth it.

Those moments when I have been at my worst have been times when I have not been honest with myself. The falsehoods I have made my face have grown from the tales I have told to my own heart. And I have to say, this realization is very new to me. That the mistakes I repeat are rooted in the lies I've told myself. The lies I tell myself all the time.

Along with these regrets, and these lies, I do believe in karma. Because I have found--coupled with the choices I would take back--moments that have taught me that the consequences of my actions reach beyond whatever seems to be the obvious. Somehow, it's as though my bad stuff has punched little holes in the plans I have for myself and let in other things. Darker things. Judgments and even hauntings; happenings totally outside my ability to control. There is nothing more terrifying than things outside my ability to control.

When I have these moments of karmic confrontation, I check my mind with my partner in crime. In some ways, my Id, Ego, and Super. And he always, always tells me the same thing:

"You're just not that special."

He untangles this a bit.

"You're just a person. People make mistakes. You're not being punished by the world."

I have always thought of myself as so different than everybody else (is there anything so grandeur?). I've just often felt very strange. I see my family and my experiences as so totally unique, that no one could have faced the moments I have. No one could understand. But when my husband tells me this, that there may be other people out there like me who have made mistakes they regret (can you imagine?). Choices that have unintended consequences. When he reminds me that I'm not alone in the world, that there are "people" and I am one of them. When he tells me this, I feel a sense of peace at the sameness of it all. When I worry about judgments, I remember that I only have control over how much I judge. What perceptions I level on others for their actions. That is where the cycle can be changed.

I imagine there is a person out there, just like me. Maybe she even looks like me. Maybe she's in Sweden. And she has dreams and thoughts and good intentions. But she is also remarkably selfish. She has taken for granted the most precious of things. She hasn't learned from the most pressing of her mistakes. But she is not evil. She cannot be reduced to only those decisions. She is also a partner, and a daughter. Even a mother. She is everything that came before and all that is yet to be. She gives and she takes just as much as she offers. Sometimes, she takes more than she should. Sometimes, more than she is entitled to. She is trivial and she is thoughtful. But she is more than her worst day. As is everyone.

I think about this second person third person. And I do the only thing I can; I forgive her. I ask her to forgive herself. I tell her that it is going to be alright. The judgments will come. Maybe forever. Pain for a long time, alas. But there is a place to begin; stop lying to herself. Stop telling herself the things that are convenient for the moment that she knows are not true. Do what is difficult and be honest. Then, the best choices become easier to make. And the sunshine of days will be that much warmer. Everything will be brighter and behold.