resolute

It's never too late to wonder what might be. And imagine.

I started new behaviors before the new year. A false running start that comforts me. Exercise, eating habits, and internal promises of tranquility. It's my MO. I have been a Buddhist ten times over. A vegetarian. A regular writer.

Like most sapians, I have a long list of the things I would change. It should be noted here that the changes are not the sign of intense discontent with who I am. No, that's really not it at all. Consider it a heightened awareness of the world and the people in it, and what is all around me that is and are just not . . . me.

Debra Morgan's lips. And her quirky cat eyes.
Curly hair. A halo of fro.
Appropriate silence.
Really white teeth.
Tight triceps.
Boobs.
It.

There is so much to want in the world. More or less of something that you have or don't, and there are so many people that you see at least one person each day who has "it." At least one. And when there's more, that can hurt. Why can't you just do it? Why can't you just change?

Wouldn't it be better if we didn't use contractions?

It isn't the wanting that is so destructive, I don't think. It's when it turns into the belief that the "it" is the one thing that stands between you and happiness. If I could just master that one thing, I would have everything. Sometimes, seeing what you don't have is the only time to take stock in yourself. That's not fair to anyone.

I am resolute, in this new year, to take stock outside times when I notice what I do not have to assess everything I take for granted. My most astoundingly beautiful daughter, inside and out. My exceptional partner in life who I, quite simply, lucked into assbackwards. My ability to change. The ease with which I cry. My hair. Me.

Wanting; it's not so bad.
The having is hard to understand.
This year I will tie both together in each moment they appear. Give them the dance they deserve. By having each partner take a solo run. What I wish I were takes a turn. What I am dances to a longer song.

And--perhaps--it leads.